Hey, I'm Jacob.|
I spend a lot of time in my room.
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SoundCloud / Music Posts
My mixtape for February 2014.
Some fresh tracks, some slightly older tracks.
Everything that I’ve been feeling lately.
01 Beyoncé - Ghost
02 Wave Racer - Stoopid
03 Jon Hopkins - Breathe This Air (feat. Purity Ring)
04 Banks - Brain (Prod. Shlohmo)
05 Son Lux - Easy
06 Clams Casino - I’m God
07 Disclosure - You & Me (Flume Remix)
08 Moderat - Damage Done
09 Saint Pepsi - BABY
10 Wave Racer - Streamers
11 Le1f - Boom
12 Danny Brown - Smokin & Drinkin
13 SBTRKT - Hold The Line
14 Trentemøller - Candy Tongue (feat Marie Fisker)
15 Nicolas Jaar - Colomb
I recently developed some photos that I thought were from my Melbourne trip but when I got them back they turned out to be from mid 2011. Which was a truly strange and kind of humbling experience to be expecting things from the present but to instead be served things from the past. The photos themselves aren’t particularly remarkable but the wave of nostalgia and old feelings that resurfaced was probably the most profound I’d felt in a long while. I suppose people often go long spans of time without thinking much of the past. There were photos of my family on holidays, at a point in time when with my cousins’ parents were still together, there were a few of Brooke and I enjoying life which brought a particularly vivid pang of feelings to the stomach, and a few of my band mates, back when we used to rehearse a lot in Matt’s old apartment in West End (back when Matt was more than 50% Russell Brand).
Nobody’s perfect all the time but there’s a big difference between people with genuine self-discipline and people who appear to take on favourable societal standards to suit the agenda of others. Who’s to say ‘genuine self-discipline’ isn’t a myth? I know a few people who are rock solid and get shit done all the time, but you can never really tell these kind of things from afar. When in doubt there’s always Ghandi I guess~.
I think that self-discipline is the foundation of a person. If you have a core set of standards that you abide by, and if those standards are truly virtuous then everything else will just flow somewhat effortlessly from there into all other areas of your life. And I think that I need to repeat that as a mantra to myself every day from now on because it truly causes me to be angry at myself sometimes, just how inconsistent my state of grounding can be. I could never work out whether self-discipline lent itself to routine or vice versa. Either way it’s still a paradoxical question, and nobody really likes paradoxical questions anyway.
I can be both methodological and productive at times and completely self-indulgent and ignorant other times. But the thing that irks me the most is that, while i am in a self-indulgent mindset, it’s as though my very being just doesn’t have the ideas to not do the self-indulgent things. However it’s not necessarily a thought that doesn’t occur per se but more of a blurry idea at the back of the mind, constantly being pushed out of the way by the strange desire to avoid everything for no reason. Then days just disappear suddenly and the to-do’s get shifted to the next day etc. And that’s laziness. Nobody wants to admit that they’re lazy, unless it’s spoken of casually as an action of free will. But when it becomes an unconscious thing it’s quite confronting. Especially when there are people to answer to. I can’t explain how this comes to be, but I’m certain there are people who know exactly what i mean.
Conversely, I will get majorly zoned on something if I really care about it or if/because it’s a gratifying experience. Usually creative projects like graphic design, electronics / programming, music production etc. and even the rekindling of an old friendship or meeting someone new and interesting. And for that I am grateful; to unthinkingly have major feelings towards anything is usually a refreshing feeling. Achieving things feels good - another seemingly obvious mantra that I need to uphold. Finding the desire or inspiration to keep working with something past that initial surge of gratification is where I fall short a lot of the time and end up not finishing things or let friendships fall by the wayside for no genuine reason.
Sometimes I feel like I am the worst person just because I can’t seem to commit to choices I know I should make. But at the same time being conscious of that is forever frustrating. Wanting to change but then not having the will to follow through. Fuck that. And so this is the cycle of my life. I have to get to a really shitty place internally before I can start rebuilding. Then I’ll swiftly reconstruct myself to be the person that I know and genuinely feel great about. It’s smooth sailing for however long and then slowly, and unnoticeably I’ll start to become complacent and then bam. Rinse and repeat.
But there’s always room for change, and change is good.
I guess for the most part I keep any internal struggle out of sight. I don’t think anyone would know aside from just having less to say perhaps. The more I find out about people the more I’m convinced that everyone has some kind of deep-seated personal struggle. With the amount of late night drunken confessions I’ve heard, and close personal experiences too. It’s almost comforting.
I hope to make these posts less frequent and more interesting in the future. But as always, I only write for myself. I post it to the public because I know I’ll write honestly of myself that way.
I hope everyone’s doing alright out there tonight.
I’m going to print out the definition of self-discipline and put it on my ceiling.
the ability to control one’s feelings and overcome one’s weaknesses;
the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite temptations to abandon it.
So once again I’m awake at 5am with a racing heart for no particular reason. This is becoming a frequent occurrence of late, and while it is inconvenient, I do actually welcome the opportunity to document my thoughts. For in this time I seem to maintain just the right amount of tiredness to form a steady and concise stream of thought.
I’ve spent the last two nights mixing a new Forty Thieves song. It isn’t a particularly outstanding song but it’s so mellow and inviting that I can’t help but have it playing on repeat in my head. Josh wrote the lyrics, he’s good at that, and smart enough to write them away from the rest of the band where they can’t be contested. But I won’t go on, here, have a listen for yourself. It sets the tone of my mood nicely.
Mixing songs has become a very therapeutic thing for me. Just the right amount of experimentation mixed with pre-formulated methods. Sculpting sounds bit by bit, individually and then blending them all together to form a whole. Most of the time it’s a very rewarding endeavour and like anything, it just feels good to be somewhat good at something.
I guess I’m lucky to be good at a lot of things. Well, a lot of things that have tangible outcomes anyway. There are plenty of things that I’m rubbish at. Like juggling, drawing, and making an effort to properly engage with people. The pride I have for the things I’ve accomplished is primarily what gives me direction and keeps me going. If I stop doing anything interesting for a while I start to feel forgotten, both of myself and by others. I’ve noticed that people seem to be most happy when they’re accomplishing things, even if it’s as simple as buying bread, getting a haircut or cracking a smile. Most of the time it’s the simple things. I think it’s normal to need constant validation through admirable figures. But I also think most people hide this desire as much as possible, almost as if it’s a weakness to concede the need for acknowledgement and praise. Though some people are less subtle about it than others (you feeling the irony at the moment?) .
I guess this is a bit of a late-night existential crisis. I discovered the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows earlier, which put me in all different states of mind. It always feels so overwhelming to realise just how much is happening everywhere, all the time. So many people doing and thinking so many different things. Makes living seem almost futile sometimes, but I take solace in the idea that most people probably feel the same way — I’m not alone in this vast ocean of people experiencing their own aloneness. But the crushing fear of becoming ultimately unremarkable is ever present. I don’t want to admit defeat and fall into a routine for the rest of my life, otherwise there would be no point. So I’m going to keep doing and making things that I want to share with the world.
If I personally know you, or even if I don’t but you think we’d get along, drop me a line. I’d like to hang out and talk and stuff. Drink some wine, maybe play some games. Stay up.
I’m tired now and the sun is up, time for sleep.